Sleep. I haven’t been getting much sleep lately. I never get much sleep, I haven’t for a long time, that’s just how it is. But it’s been worse for the past three weeks or so. Usually I’ll average about 4-5 hours a night, but it’s been 2-3 and sometimes none at all, and no naps! I used to take naps. Anyway, it’s really doing me in right now, everything everything. My mind. My school work. When I don’t sleep I act irrationally. For example, I had to write an analytical paper for lit, and so I did, and I e-mailed it to myself so I could print it up, but the e-mail didn’t send because I was a dumb zombie when I sent it… So I rewrote as much as I could in the hour I had free before class, handed that in, told my prof. not to take it seriously because it wasn’t the real one and it’s important that he knows that..and a lot of nonsense later, I’m at home reading over the essay one last time before e-mailing it (for full credit!!) when I decide I hate it and delete it. Like that. And rewrite the whole thing in a night and get 10% marked off for it being late. I would have gotten an ‘A’. And now I’m going to rewrite it again, to try to get that ‘A’ back. Repentance.
And today, it was almost like I woke up as I was getting off the bus. I don’t really remember falling asleep last night, it was a light sleep, for maybe an hour, I think. And then I’m at school? That’s when things became fully..when things took their proper shape and began to exist, anyway. I wasn’t asleep on the bus, and I bought my Earl Grey as usual at Lakewood Commons with no troubles..but it’s all a bit hazy. Like in movies..with that ominous, pulsating white-noise in the background, and everything is slightly blue-tinted. But that’s not how it is really, that’s just how I remember it.
I’ve seen a doctor about my sleep issues before, don’t think I’m irresponsible, but I hated what those sleeping pills did. And to be honest, I like getting little sleep because I get more done and because it makes things more interesting. (Oh, and I have tried cutting out the caffeine completely..it does nothing.)
But this. It’s getting to be a bit much. I can’t even write a coherent blog. But could I ever? Yes I could…but could I really? Yes… Tommy Nooka.
And the dreams! I’ve been having these amazing dreams that are subsequently becoming the disappointment of my life. I dream that I’m writing amazing poetry..and I have to sleep for five more minutes so I can finish the poem I’m working on. And there is actually a poem there, I can see it! But it’s hazy, and I can’t remember a word of it when I awaken fully. It’s probably an epic poem sent to me from Rimbaud, one that would have me set for life…my life’s achievement. Or whatever. I don’t really believe that.
And!!! I keep having near anxiety attacks about death. Not that I feel it’s just around the corner or anything like that, but the realization that I’ll die before having a chance to read all the amazing books in the world. What kind of freaking fear is that? And I seriously freak out about it.
I’m being very honest right now. If this non-sleep thing keeps up I’m definitely going to have to see a doctor.
Everything; all of that and this and non-that and this-that, is all okay though, because my life is nearly complete:
Dr. Anton Fjordson says, 'bring me Paul McCartney's head on Heather's peg leg!'
3 comments:
thanks for your comments krystal. as for the books. i remember saying i hope i dont die before all the star wars movies are complete. and with the lord of the rings and with the harry potter too. its freaky thinking of all the things you may miss. i could give words of wisdom but i'm sure its the blah blah that you already know.
I know it sounds really bad, but your insomnia makes me feel a little better about mine, but only a little. I don’t like it in any way like you either; I like to get things done, I know where you are coming from there, but I like to be lucid when I am awake, and many times lives depend on it.
I find that I seem to sleep best after a good long hard work out; some cardio, some weights, a little swimming maybe. Not to say that the sleep is great, by no means, but it is usually the best that I get.
I would suggest that you take a step back, breath, and realize that there is only so much you can do in a lifetime and you only have so much control over when the end might be. Do what you can while you can and enjoy it, and should life cease before you feel you are done, be glad for what you had.
Sometime I wish the days were longer so I could do all the things that I love,especially read more.
I heard that there are people that don't need much sleep and still can function very well(my children,for example!).When I was in Italy I was teaching Hatha Yoga;many people told me that the 5-8 minutes relaxation at the end of my class were incredibly recharging.So, maybe taking a few minutes of relaxation (with particular techniques)
in the morning and then in the afternoon,for example, could help.
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